Quotes i came across today

“Trying to pull through the mass of your own emotions is like trying to pull a piece of yarn through a ball that’s all tangled up. It gets stuck, knotted, twisted, frayed, and the harder you pull it the harder the knot sticks.” –Henry’s Sisters, Cathy Lamb

“I had tried to get rid of those breath-sucking memories, pushing them into a mental box and nailing the lid on, but it hadn’t worked, no surprise there. I have learned that sometimes you have to let your breath-sucking memories have their way with you if only so they will go back into your brain caves and you can continue on your merry life.” –Henry’s Sisters, Cathy Lamb

Dont be so hard on yourself

Seriously, what does that mean? I can’t even count the number of times people have said that to me in my life–a few days ago being the most recent time. And I know people say it to be helpful, but it’s SO not helpful. Because all it does is make me more anxious, because it’s one more thing to add to the list of things I can’t perfectly do, or don’t know how to do, and lately I’m not doing so well to having things added to that list. Thanks for telling me what to do, but HOW am I supposed to do that? What does it entail? My entire life people have said this to me, and I still do not know how to go about it.

Get out of your head

Unfortunately, today I had an intense, pretty big OCD freakout.
Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize that it was OCD, which happens when I’m in it.

Fortunately, it happened when I was with the only person in the world who a) understands the exact nature of my OCD, b) could recognize that it was OCD and not my core’s true and pure thoughts and beliefs, c) still had compassion and not hatred for me, despite the nature of the spin.

And for that…well, there are no words to express how thankful I am.

The guilt is still there because I’m an awful friend. I fought off the big tears for hours, until just now when I finally got home and am finally alone, and I am just absolutely sobbing. And while I hate that, I know it’s a release that needed to happen. Release the guilt, release the exhaustion of what happened, release the emotion of the situation, release the fear of what could’ve happened had this person not been who she is.

I’m fighting the urge to write every little detail about what happened, and examine it from all sorts of points of view, because I know, I know, it’s not about the content of the thoughts. But I also know that I have to keep fighting the urge to replay, word-for-word, what happened, what could have happened, etc. etc. I know going down that road is not, and never has been productive–nor useful. But it’s hard.

So instead…I guess that my time is better spent a) letting myself cry it out, but also b) helping myself prepare for the next time this happens–”this” being an OCD explosion. What is so frustrating for me is that when I’m in it, it’s so hard for me to realize that I’m in it, because everything SEEMS real, SEEMS to have a logical explanation, SEEMS to make sense–like, “of course I need to wash my hands again, of course I’m an awful friend for doing/saying x, y, and z.” It’s not until after the fact that it becomes so obvious that it was OCD. I remember for years, in therapy, getting those worksheets and things that were like, “Warning signs that your actions are becoming behaviors” or whatnot–like, “Only eating if you know you’ll be able to workout later.” So….

My Warning Signs that I’m in it:

• Feeling a need to confess every thought and emotion
• Having “should” thoughts (“Should I say what I’m thinking, should I not, what does it say about me if I don’t,” etc.)
• Having trouble leaving my house or going to sleep because I’m checking, whatever the checking may be (it’s not about the content)
• Feeling the need to replay scenarios over and over again in my head–either things that have already happened, or things that could happen
• Worrying about what someone might be thinking about me, after they have given me reassurance once
• Having trouble making minute decisions (like today when I could not decide between coffee or tea and texted a friend to see which I should have…..)
• Not being able to fall asleep at night because of racing thoughts
• Lots of cleaning, handwashing, etc., to the degree of constantly feeling like I have to do it again
• Thoughts that I’m a horrible ____ (friend, student, daughter, etc.)

I still can’t stop crying, and the guilt is huge, and I’m drained and feeling foggy…but if I can hear what a compassionate person would tell me, and I think that would be something like, “You don’t have to beat yourself up, you have OCD, be kind to yourself, and let’s move on.” And I’m not in a place where I can conjure that up myself and believe it, but I’ll try. Even if I don’t deserve it Even if it’s hard right now.

All you need is.....

Man, I’m struggling. I am trying hard (sometimes harder than others, but generally pretty hard) to have down time, to tune in, to do things that I like, to be with people with whom I can talk about things, etc.

But some of the sinking feelings are coming back–some of the nonstop
i’m…..wearingthewrongthingthinkingthewrongthingdoingthewrongthingsayingthewrongthingaskingthewrongthingbloggingthewrongthing that goes over and over again.

I don’t know what that’s happening. I know that sometimes I get random OCD increases, because it goes in waves. So maybe that’s all it is. Maybe it’s because there are some things that I still have yet to talk to anyone about, and I’m pushing them to the back burner. Maybe it’s because while I’m trying to make time to see friends and talk to friends, I haven’t had any talks about the back burner things, it’s all been about classesworkloadpapersschool.

OCD has three different things that can happen: the number of thoughts can increase, the intensity of the thoughts can increase, and the believability of the thoughts can increase. (Maybe more detail on those three things to come in another blog). Right now I haven’t reached the point of the believability increasing; and I’m not getting the bad thoughts. It’s more a general feeling of dread and anxiety and sadness and loneliness. But it’s not constant, and it’s not totally debilitating. It’s just there, and it lends way into “But what if it gets worse, what if it increases, what if this turns into a really bad, hard time, what if what if what if what if….”

And sometimes I think all I need is a hug, a cup of tea or coffee, and a listening ear. But sometimes it’s just hard to ask for that.