Wisdom from a friend

I woke up this morning still feeling not-quite-right and spent some time worrying about that but as my anxiety continued to mount, and as I began to feel the memories take hold not just in my mind but in my body, I decided to be proactive. After all, “You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” ~Ayn Rand. What that means to me in this case, is that at least historically speaking, running from my feelings and thoughts and memories surrounding past events seems like a really appealing idea. Except, all that really does is keep it building up until it gets so bad that I am prescribed incredibly large, scary dosages of klonopin to take twice a day.

Avoidance doesn’t work for this. I’m wiser now. I know it. So, I took a deep breath and texted a friend–one of those rare gems, someone who “gets it” and who has seen me at my absolute worst, who has seen me through this entire process. I told her about my fears, I told her what happened last night, I told her what I’m worried about. Here is what she said:

“It’s normal to have those triggers – it’s just not sitting right with you because it hasn’t happened in a really long time. It used to be your whole life and now it’s still a tiny piece of it, but way more manageable than before. You’ve overcome it. But it was your world before, so it is inevitable that things will trigger memories and feelings.”

I couldn’t ask to hear anything more comforting. I have overcome it. It’s not my whole life anymore. This is normal. I don’t have to panic.

I found this is Moms drawer... i wrote it when i was in 9th grade

Thirteen

At thirteen I lived for my friends
Dawson’s Creek
and playing “The Sims”
on the computer
Those were my life
simply all I knew

I lived for the Spice Girls
and learned the words to all of their songs
and I felt like a true teenager

I lived for my best friends
at school
and staying up until 1:00AM during sleepovers
which was so late
I lived for a year when
I didn’t know stress
school was fun, and
I lived for life

I lived for popcorn at the movies

I lived to be in eighth grade
and all too soon, ninth

I lived for a sense of safety and comfort
that before I knew it, was gone

New Year resolution

OCD gets going wildly at the whole 2012 thing, the Mayans thing, the world-is-ending thing. So, I don’t think about it. Except last night, someone brought it up–in a very harmless context, but that got the wheels turning in the back of my brain. And tonight, my dad turned on 2012, the movie, and OCD lit up like a fire. That frustrates me to no end–how sometimes things aren’t even remotely anxiety-provoking, and others times I’m set off immediately. So tonight–I explained that I would get totally worked up over it and I hate the concept and my dad started to explain to me why the end of the earth isn’t going to happen and why it’s not true. And he meant well, he always means so well. Usually it would help. But tonight it just didn’t work and OCD was speeding miles ahead: Can you PROVE that it’s not true? What if the world DOES end? What exists if there’s nothing? When does the universe end? What will happen if there’s no earth? There will just be….nothing. No space and no time. What does that even MEAN? And I couldn’t slow it down so I got up and went into the other room, because my therapist always told me that walking away from an OCD-inducing situation, book, movie, etc., is not avoidance in a negative way, it’s self-care.

But now I’m just mad, and I shouldn’t be (and I shouldn’t be using SHOULD commands) and it’s that whole damn double barometer issue–where you’re at a certain level of an emotion on one barometer. But then you judge yourself for feeling that way, so then you have a second barometer that’s even higher. Except in my case I end up with a lot of barometers, which essentially ends up with me feeling miserable.

I think part of me is feeling shame, that I’m not “over” these anxieties yet. Which I do recognize is a red flag–because it’s not compassionate, because I know I’ve come a long way–light years, in fact, because OCD can be managed but not eliminated, because I’m human and allowed to struggle. But….the shame and embarrassment is there. 

And I am so afraid of being forgotten, being left behind, being replaced. Which isn’t related to anything I just wrote but it’s there.

And then, the fear that has been nagging at me for days, and I know exactly why, and what it stems from, but that doesn’t change the fact that it won’t leave me alone….

How will ANYONE ever fall in love with me, and stay in love with me, and want to be with me, once they realize how much baggage I come with?