Just for once

Just for once I think.. Please please please let my best be good enough.

Sooo true.

I feel like this today....

break down

Tell my story, he says...Tear it apart, bring it to the surface – let the world know who I was. I cry, tears rolling down my face in waves of pain, I am not ready to let him go. I storm through the front screen door, it squeaks as I escape out into the cool night. The rain is coming down at a steady pace, and within seconds I can no longer tell the rain from my tears. Falling down into the grass, the cool blades brushing my knees, I beg God to let him stay. I bargain, I plead, I wait. still nothing... i am not surprised, but i sit and cry because in the rain you cant see my tears.

Dreams

Had one of those dreams again last night. In which I wake up, panicked. Because I have lost him.. My dad..

And then I wake up and I curl up and cry.

And while I can remind myself that it’s very likely OCD manifesting its spins in my dreams, there’s that little part of me that wonders…are those dreams the truth? Am I in denial?

Wash. Wash. Wash.

I have washed my hands so many times the last few days they are red and raw

Fail

What's left of me

Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the girl I thought I would be

I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still

It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head

Take what's left of this girl, make me whole again

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time

Compulsion

This is a compulsion that I’m avoiding thinking about:

“I want to wash my hands, or germ x them, even though I haven’t really touched anything since I last germ x'd them, they don’t feel 100% perfectly clean.”

Fail

Trying to pull out of this depression.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucius.

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. ~ Lance Armstrong

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. ~ St. Francis of Assisi

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Robert Schuller

My talk with granny

Wow 2 posts in one day.... Today must be bad lol granny always seems to bring me back. Back to that moment. That moment when she says "I wish your mom was here" the guilt rushes over me... Failure. I am taken back to that November day. The day that haunts me. The day where one decision cost me the one person I could have saved had I not been selfish. At that moment the OCD kicks in "it's your fault she isn't here... You should have came straight home.... You shouldn't have been thinking that you where going to have to listen to another fight between your parents because your mom was drunk... You shouldnt have wished it would stop... Be careful what you wish for.." I cry. I try to push away the OCD thoughts " she blames you... She just won't say it.. They ALL blame you" Then it breaks me and I sit in the car and let the tears fall. And then i get a call out of no where from Mitch i answer it he says " I just called to tell you I love you and there are 800 people here" i snap back and smile... I take a breath and feel my heart racing.. He just saved me and he doesn't even know it.

Breaking

I really need some help. Everyday I see him and there is no change. Everything inside me screams for him to wake up. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. Even if he woke up just to say Addie stop fidgeting.. Or to tell me I wouldn't last 30 seconds on the marines, which I beg to differ because secretly dad doesn't know that I am batgirl ( just kidding). I can feel my anxiety rise ever second. I sit here crying, I feel like I am 8 again and crying because I feel like a failure and dad will never forgive me. Or I am 19 and looking in the mirror at the girl who couldn't save her mom, who procrastinated and didn't come home. She needed me and i wasn't there. I have nightmares about holding her how I found her.. And my mind screams to try again she isn't gone.. This can't be happening.. I try again.. Nothing. I hold her and cry. Failure....

My compulsion is taking over. I have thoughts of how I would handle this life if I didn't have him here. My heart races palms sweaty. Where did the air go.. At this point I need a hug from the one person who could could make this easier. I would not even make him use germ x :( for now I'll sit here hold his hand and cry. I can't fight it anymore. I am breaking

Crazy thing called love

What is it that makes you fall in love with that special person? When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is them. They are on your mind all day and night. You can't wait to hold them, feel there arms holding you tightly. You think about there soft and gentle lips kissing yours. You think about every moment you have spent together and can't wait till the next moment you are together.

You have day dreams about them all day long. You wonder if they are thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. You want to spend every waking moment with them. You want to hold them and embrace them. You want to feel there soft touch against your body. You want to kiss them and tell them how pretty they are or how wonderful they are. Tell them how much they mean to you.

When you are with that with that special person, nothing or no one in the world matters. You dont' care what others tell you or what they think about them. You are with the one that you have fallen in love with. You don't worry about what people may say. You don't worry about there age, there hair, there lifestyle, or there family/friends. You have fallen in love with there personality not all that other stuff. A person "personality" is what makes that person, is what made you fall in love with them. You are happy, comfortable, and relaxed when you are with that person.

When you hear that persons voice, you start glowing, feeling nervous, scared, confused or even mislead. You have so many emotions flowing through your mind, body, soul and your heart, there maybe a time that you get misplaced or lost. Then you may ask yourself, "Am I in love?" or "Do they love me?". Only time with tell you the answer to that.

There comes a time and place where you may be put to the test or you have to test the strength of that love. Some people may think, "Why should love be tested?". There is many answers to that question. Well if the love is not as strong as you had hoped, then well you can get out sooner than later. But, then again if that love is as strong as you want it to be, then you know you have that person for life. Love doesn't always last forever. We all know that, we have seen it and been though the lose of it. That is when it comes time to learn to let go, move on, and forget the past, cause it is in the past. There are times when peopel don't let go and try to compare new relationships and friends to there past. That can only lead to a broken heart or a lose of someone very special to you.

Life always throw's you new things and new people at you. Sometimes you over look what is right in front of you. Some people go looking for love. Love will find you when you least expect it. Sometimes you have to let time take it's course and let things fall into place as it is time for it. Take love step my step. Do not go looking for it. Let it come to you, when it gets there hold it, keep it, and embrace it.


Some of the ones who read this may think, hell she is only 22 what in the hell does she know about love. Never said that I did. I write alot of things. I am sharing my opions, thoughts, point of views, things I have seen in my life or been through. Have I been in true love? Yes, I have. Do I still care about that person? Yes, and I will awalys have feelings for him. I am one of the lucky ones to still have him. When a person is comfortable and happy with thereself then and then only they will find love. You have to be open at a point in life to let love in. Many people think they can control love and shut it up inside. You can't control what you can't see. There is times you must try. There is a place to let love in your life. Only you will know when the time is right for that.

The walk

It's like walking the green mile everyday...sometimes it is so much I can't breath. My palms get sweaty.. It's almost time. I can feel my heart in my throat. And when I see him I can't choke it back anymore, I give in and let the tears fall. The nurse comes in and looks at me. I smile at her and wipe the tears away. It's amazing how I can fake a smile but really I feel like I am dieing on the inside a little bit everyday. But that's the side that no one sees till I am alone in my room here and it consumes me. I feel like the helpless child all over again.

In the waiting room....

I feel like a failure. In every sense of the word. Bad girlfriend, friend, daughter, the list goes on.

My permeability is so high right now — everyone’s thoughts and emotions are seeping right into me, no matter how hard I try to block them out. I am a tornado of every thought and feeling of those around me.

I am checking checking checking everything and spinning and worrying. I know I’m doing it. I don’t remember how to stop.

If today was your last day

If the first thing you heard this morning when you woke up was that this is your last day. What would you do? Would you be scared? Would you embrace your time left? Would you make ends with your enemies? Would you hold the ones you love? Would you feel regret in life? Would you be satisfied with your achievements in your life? Would you want to spend you last moments alone? Would you want to spend it with that special someone or family? Would you tell that special person in your life that you love them, cause you was to afraid to tell them before? You begin to think about questions you can ask your self if this situation was placed before you.

Life is what you make of it. So live day by day and make the most of it. Live each day like it was your last. You never know when your time is up. Do not be afraid to speak your mind at all cost. Do not hold back or you will miss out on things that could be the greatest thing that has ever happened. Don't be afraid to take those risk. Look for the challenges and overcome them. Life is hard in a lot ways. Don't let things in life get you down and keep you there. Look for that one thing to get you back up and looking in the right path. There are many reason for things to happen in a person's life that you can not explain. Embrace those moments and enjoy them as they come to you.There are those events that happens in a person's life that makes them think. Makes them look at things they have done and been through. Whether is it time for there end or just time for a change. Thinking before you act can allow you to miss out on a lot of things. But, there is that point where you need to think before you act. When is that? Well only you and you alone will know that.

Piano......

Lend me your ears...

There’s this thing about me and music.

I occupy the song. It’s mine.

I wrote it. It’s the story of my life.

I feel the keys on my fingers

tapping slowly in time,

keeping me in the seat so I won’t leap

again to the young girl who wonders how words can hurt,

how the words of a song can reveal like a lavender spotlight,

reveal like a young girl of fifteen

crooning softly with the radio

turned down so low so

no one can hear.