I really need some help. Everyday I see him and there is no change. Everything inside me screams for him to wake up. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. Even if he woke up just to say Addie stop fidgeting.. Or to tell me I wouldn't last 30 seconds on the marines, which I beg to differ because secretly dad doesn't know that I am batgirl ( just kidding). I can feel my anxiety rise ever second. I sit here crying, I feel like I am 8 again and crying because I feel like a failure and dad will never forgive me. Or I am 19 and looking in the mirror at the girl who couldn't save her mom, who procrastinated and didn't come home. She needed me and i wasn't there. I have nightmares about holding her how I found her.. And my mind screams to try again she isn't gone.. This can't be happening.. I try again.. Nothing. I hold her and cry. Failure....
My compulsion is taking over. I have thoughts of how I would handle this life if I didn't have him here. My heart races palms sweaty. Where did the air go.. At this point I need a hug from the one person who could could make this easier. I would not even make him use germ x :( for now I'll sit here hold his hand and cry. I can't fight it anymore. I am breaking