My bucket list

Confession 1

Maybe there is reason to believe that this year will be better than the last... I can't remember the last thing that you said cause the days go by so fast.

The smell of the hospital, its so familiar like a second home. If you think that I can be forgiven I wish you would. I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on, that this to will pass.

No words

Just for once

Just for once I think.. Please please please let my best be good enough.

Sooo true.

I feel like this today....

break down

Tell my story, he says...Tear it apart, bring it to the surface – let the world know who I was. I cry, tears rolling down my face in waves of pain, I am not ready to let him go. I storm through the front screen door, it squeaks as I escape out into the cool night. The rain is coming down at a steady pace, and within seconds I can no longer tell the rain from my tears. Falling down into the grass, the cool blades brushing my knees, I beg God to let him stay. I bargain, I plead, I wait. still nothing... i am not surprised, but i sit and cry because in the rain you cant see my tears.

Dreams

Had one of those dreams again last night. In which I wake up, panicked. Because I have lost him.. My dad..

And then I wake up and I curl up and cry.

And while I can remind myself that it’s very likely OCD manifesting its spins in my dreams, there’s that little part of me that wonders…are those dreams the truth? Am I in denial?

Wash. Wash. Wash.

I have washed my hands so many times the last few days they are red and raw

Fail

What's left of me

Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the girl I thought I would be

I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still

It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head

Take what's left of this girl, make me whole again

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time

Compulsion

This is a compulsion that I’m avoiding thinking about:

“I want to wash my hands, or germ x them, even though I haven’t really touched anything since I last germ x'd them, they don’t feel 100% perfectly clean.”

Fail

Trying to pull out of this depression.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucius.

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. ~ Lance Armstrong

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. ~ St. Francis of Assisi

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Robert Schuller

My talk with granny

Wow 2 posts in one day.... Today must be bad lol granny always seems to bring me back. Back to that moment. That moment when she says "I wish your mom was here" the guilt rushes over me... Failure. I am taken back to that November day. The day that haunts me. The day where one decision cost me the one person I could have saved had I not been selfish. At that moment the OCD kicks in "it's your fault she isn't here... You should have came straight home.... You shouldn't have been thinking that you where going to have to listen to another fight between your parents because your mom was drunk... You shouldnt have wished it would stop... Be careful what you wish for.." I cry. I try to push away the OCD thoughts " she blames you... She just won't say it.. They ALL blame you" Then it breaks me and I sit in the car and let the tears fall. And then i get a call out of no where from Mitch i answer it he says " I just called to tell you I love you and there are 800 people here" i snap back and smile... I take a breath and feel my heart racing.. He just saved me and he doesn't even know it.

Breaking

I really need some help. Everyday I see him and there is no change. Everything inside me screams for him to wake up. I can't even imagine my life without him in it. Even if he woke up just to say Addie stop fidgeting.. Or to tell me I wouldn't last 30 seconds on the marines, which I beg to differ because secretly dad doesn't know that I am batgirl ( just kidding). I can feel my anxiety rise ever second. I sit here crying, I feel like I am 8 again and crying because I feel like a failure and dad will never forgive me. Or I am 19 and looking in the mirror at the girl who couldn't save her mom, who procrastinated and didn't come home. She needed me and i wasn't there. I have nightmares about holding her how I found her.. And my mind screams to try again she isn't gone.. This can't be happening.. I try again.. Nothing. I hold her and cry. Failure....

My compulsion is taking over. I have thoughts of how I would handle this life if I didn't have him here. My heart races palms sweaty. Where did the air go.. At this point I need a hug from the one person who could could make this easier. I would not even make him use germ x :( for now I'll sit here hold his hand and cry. I can't fight it anymore. I am breaking

Crazy thing called love

What is it that makes you fall in love with that special person? When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is them. They are on your mind all day and night. You can't wait to hold them, feel there arms holding you tightly. You think about there soft and gentle lips kissing yours. You think about every moment you have spent together and can't wait till the next moment you are together.

You have day dreams about them all day long. You wonder if they are thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. You want to spend every waking moment with them. You want to hold them and embrace them. You want to feel there soft touch against your body. You want to kiss them and tell them how pretty they are or how wonderful they are. Tell them how much they mean to you.

When you are with that with that special person, nothing or no one in the world matters. You dont' care what others tell you or what they think about them. You are with the one that you have fallen in love with. You don't worry about what people may say. You don't worry about there age, there hair, there lifestyle, or there family/friends. You have fallen in love with there personality not all that other stuff. A person "personality" is what makes that person, is what made you fall in love with them. You are happy, comfortable, and relaxed when you are with that person.

When you hear that persons voice, you start glowing, feeling nervous, scared, confused or even mislead. You have so many emotions flowing through your mind, body, soul and your heart, there maybe a time that you get misplaced or lost. Then you may ask yourself, "Am I in love?" or "Do they love me?". Only time with tell you the answer to that.

There comes a time and place where you may be put to the test or you have to test the strength of that love. Some people may think, "Why should love be tested?". There is many answers to that question. Well if the love is not as strong as you had hoped, then well you can get out sooner than later. But, then again if that love is as strong as you want it to be, then you know you have that person for life. Love doesn't always last forever. We all know that, we have seen it and been though the lose of it. That is when it comes time to learn to let go, move on, and forget the past, cause it is in the past. There are times when peopel don't let go and try to compare new relationships and friends to there past. That can only lead to a broken heart or a lose of someone very special to you.

Life always throw's you new things and new people at you. Sometimes you over look what is right in front of you. Some people go looking for love. Love will find you when you least expect it. Sometimes you have to let time take it's course and let things fall into place as it is time for it. Take love step my step. Do not go looking for it. Let it come to you, when it gets there hold it, keep it, and embrace it.


Some of the ones who read this may think, hell she is only 22 what in the hell does she know about love. Never said that I did. I write alot of things. I am sharing my opions, thoughts, point of views, things I have seen in my life or been through. Have I been in true love? Yes, I have. Do I still care about that person? Yes, and I will awalys have feelings for him. I am one of the lucky ones to still have him. When a person is comfortable and happy with thereself then and then only they will find love. You have to be open at a point in life to let love in. Many people think they can control love and shut it up inside. You can't control what you can't see. There is times you must try. There is a place to let love in your life. Only you will know when the time is right for that.

The walk

It's like walking the green mile everyday...sometimes it is so much I can't breath. My palms get sweaty.. It's almost time. I can feel my heart in my throat. And when I see him I can't choke it back anymore, I give in and let the tears fall. The nurse comes in and looks at me. I smile at her and wipe the tears away. It's amazing how I can fake a smile but really I feel like I am dieing on the inside a little bit everyday. But that's the side that no one sees till I am alone in my room here and it consumes me. I feel like the helpless child all over again.

In the waiting room....

I feel like a failure. In every sense of the word. Bad girlfriend, friend, daughter, the list goes on.

My permeability is so high right now — everyone’s thoughts and emotions are seeping right into me, no matter how hard I try to block them out. I am a tornado of every thought and feeling of those around me.

I am checking checking checking everything and spinning and worrying. I know I’m doing it. I don’t remember how to stop.

If today was your last day

If the first thing you heard this morning when you woke up was that this is your last day. What would you do? Would you be scared? Would you embrace your time left? Would you make ends with your enemies? Would you hold the ones you love? Would you feel regret in life? Would you be satisfied with your achievements in your life? Would you want to spend you last moments alone? Would you want to spend it with that special someone or family? Would you tell that special person in your life that you love them, cause you was to afraid to tell them before? You begin to think about questions you can ask your self if this situation was placed before you.

Life is what you make of it. So live day by day and make the most of it. Live each day like it was your last. You never know when your time is up. Do not be afraid to speak your mind at all cost. Do not hold back or you will miss out on things that could be the greatest thing that has ever happened. Don't be afraid to take those risk. Look for the challenges and overcome them. Life is hard in a lot ways. Don't let things in life get you down and keep you there. Look for that one thing to get you back up and looking in the right path. There are many reason for things to happen in a person's life that you can not explain. Embrace those moments and enjoy them as they come to you.There are those events that happens in a person's life that makes them think. Makes them look at things they have done and been through. Whether is it time for there end or just time for a change. Thinking before you act can allow you to miss out on a lot of things. But, there is that point where you need to think before you act. When is that? Well only you and you alone will know that.

Piano......

Lend me your ears...

There’s this thing about me and music.

I occupy the song. It’s mine.

I wrote it. It’s the story of my life.

I feel the keys on my fingers

tapping slowly in time,

keeping me in the seat so I won’t leap

again to the young girl who wonders how words can hurt,

how the words of a song can reveal like a lavender spotlight,

reveal like a young girl of fifteen

crooning softly with the radio

turned down so low so

no one can hear.

Medication

Over the past month, I have been undergoing a medication change. It has been hell. The physical side effects of tapering off a medication I’ve been taking for years, and onto a new one, were less than pleasant. But the side effects in my brain – of not having enough medication in my system during this process – felt unbearable. OCD is generally treated with higher dosages of medications. That means that the tapering down of Med 1 and the slow increase of Med 2 takes a long time. And in the middle, I’m not getting that high, therapeutic dosage. 

My brain needs medication to work properly. I am okay with that. So many of my friends hate being on medication, or don’t want to be on it, or refuse to be on it. It doesn’t phase me in the slightest. I need it to be okay, and that’s okay with me. That being said, it’s been incredibly frustrating the past month where I’m doing everything “right,” yet I feel like crap solely because of a lack of medication. I said, multiple times, “It’s just not fair! It’s not my fault!” Not that it’s ever my fault if I’m having a hard time, but it was so frustrating, just knowing I had to wait it out.

I vacillate between depression and anxiety. I used to think those were two separate diagnoses – and for many people, they are. For me, they’re just two points on the same continuum: the OCD continuum. When the thoughts/fears/spins/worries/obsessions/compulsions become too much, and take over my brain and my being, I become highly anxious – butterflies in my stomach, heart racing, on the verge of panic attack, etc. Or, I become depressed – shutting down, cloud of doom, pit in my stomach. But it’s all one in the same, really.

The end of last week and last weekend, I gave in. I voiced what was going on in my head to the two people who would understand and/or know what to do and say. I allowed myself to be hugged and nurtured and coddled. I gave up being in charge and allowed my best friend  to truly take care of me. I told her when I was feeling anxious, when my heart was racing, when I had a scary thought, when I needed a hug. she encouraged me and supported me. she is really the best. I don’t give in like that often – really just give up control for that many days. And you know what? It was really really nice. And it helped so much. I’ve been thinking about what exactly was so helpful and a lot of it just comes down to the fact that for those few days, I stopped fighting it. I stopped fighting where I was at, and just let myself be in it. Without judging myself, or hating myself, or wishing I wasn’t in it. I rode it through and let others help me stay afloat.

Warning signs ....

….that I might be on the verge of a rough OCD patch (or already in one?):

1. I am getting visions of death again, which are one of the most debilitating for me. I don’t want my family going anywhere without me, in case there’s an accident and they die and I’m not with them. My dad is taking a trip this summer and flying..alone, for the first time ever. I’m already panicking about it, and getting images of the plane crashing and me being without him. That brief image/thought alone makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, or cry, and beg him to not go.

2. I went to the beach today and got burned, which rarely happens because I’m anal about sunscreen. Since getting home, I have asked my dad at least three times if he thinks I could get skin cancer, and have checked the skin cancer signs online, “just to be sure”.

Yeah. Not so good.

Socially Awkward??

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety.  It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse.  Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up.  Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet."   I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself.

Like I said, it's a lot better now.  I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situations, I have adjusted.  Just as I have begun to habituate to the fear of "feeling dirty" and other contamination-related concerns, I likewise have habituated to the fear of vocalizing my thoughts (and being evaluated negatively if do) by repeatedly putting myself or by being put in social situations that evoke anxiety.  The thoughts that maybe I'm really obviously "weird" or "different" or "awkward" (or that my comments are somehow "dumber" than those of other people) still linger, but they are less intense and they don't hold as much influence over my choices as they used to.  When I was a kid, I really grappled with insecurity and lack of self-confidence, and I still often do, but these days I am more often able to overcome that fear in order to make the decisions that I want to make and act how I want to act.  In fact, I really like to talk.  I did when I was a kid, too, but back then the fear of being judged and feeling embarrassment just seemed to overpower my eagerness to express myself.

if i dont write this, there is a chance of imploding...

I have been avoiding things lately, not tuning in. I am very aware of this. I need to talk, I need to write. But I don’t want to. I want to continue avoiding. So, a compromise…not writing, but, a list.

I am avoiding…..
–Allowing myself to grieve for my brother
–The anticipation of returning to college after summer
–Thinking about the dreams I’ve been having lately, that have a lot to do with various traumatic situations
–Acknowledging that I am in a place where I need, and want, to talk about past traumatic experiences…because who would I talk to about them, and what would I say
–The increase in OCD thoughts and fears
–The reasons why I spent all of yesterday in an intense depersonalization fog.
–The fact that at the moment the anxiety has mounted so much that it’s hard to breathe.

How the heck do I even begin tackling this list?

Biggest fear come true

Pretty sure that at the core of it all, I am truly just a horrible person.

Noticing

My fear that something bad is going to happen to my loved ones is creeping back up, slowly but surely. It’s not debilitating, yet. But something to keep an eye on. When one of those individuals doesn’t answer a phone call, doesn’t call right away to say that they’ve gotten home safely, is out without me, is driving or flying or even walking, I’m worrying again. I’m feeling helpless again that there is so much that could happen in all of those situations that I can’t control, and I know nothing I can do can control it. I feel certain that if something were to happen to one of them (and even saying that, thinking it — I worry that I just caused something to happen. Magical thinking at its finest.) I wouldn’t survive it. I just wouldn’t. But I don’t want to think about it, because what if by thinking it it happens? Which I know can’t happen, but what if it can?

And I am feeling everyone’s emotions again. No, not even feeling their emotions. Feeling their imagined emotions. What if my granny is feeling lonely? What if my dad is stressed? What if my best friend is exhausted? What if my brother is scared? I feel it all, even when they tell me that they are okay. I still feel it. Until I become so inundated with every emotion under the sun, on behalf of every person I know, that I can’t breathe. And yet, I can’t let go of it. What if by not paying attention to a potential emotion, I’m being selfish? What if they really need me to acknowledge it and realize it and it’s a test? What if I could be doing something to help and instead I don’t? What if they don’t tell me how they feel because they want to protect me? Are they right in doing that in the first place?

It’s not debilitating. Yet.

These are my Confessions... part 1

My OCD started up in the summer of 1998,   a lot of people have symptoms of OCD as children. For me, it seems to have been related to a traumatic childhood experience,  I was now exposed to another person's germs, and couldn't feel clean enough. fast forward to current day its more of a coping tool.

While many people's OCD takes extremely different forms over time, mine has been very very consistent. My OCD takes the form of a mild version of "checking," mostly doors and the stove before I leave the house or go to bed at night.


 my main OCD has always been "contamination" OCD. I hate being touched, hate being around sick people, have trouble with public bathrooms. I always want to inspect things before I touch them or sit on them, and (have the urge to) wash my hands about 50 times a day. OCD's quirky, though, because while the sterotype of OCD is the person who takes a 2 hour showers, my showers are about 15 minutes long... honestly, Just a simple hand wash is all it takes to make me feel better. It's just that sometimes those simple handwashes have to happen every 10 minutes. Suddenly it's not so simple.

But I don't stop there. I often try to make other people I'm around wash their hand more than they'd like, too. For some reason, people don't like that. Go figure.

And, add to that what I call the "OCD Cascade." It goes something like this:
-I didn't wash my hands after riding the bus
-I'm sure to get a cold, or a stomach flu, or disease x from all the germs I touched on the bus
-I will give it to my family
-they will be sick  and will attribute it to me
-they will hate me


WOW!! My rational brain can see it's silly, but there's a part of me that really believes that not only is it possible, but that it's LIKELY.

falling and failing

I just feel like such a failure. At being a person. A daughter, friend, student. I hate that every day when people check in with me, the answer is “I still feel the same.” That makes me feel like a failure. Even if it’s not my fault that the meds aren’t working, or that other meds are causing these symptoms. Even if I’m doing nothing wrong, it feels like I’m doing nothing right. I can’t  give them the answer they want. How long until they get sick of it and just walk away? How long until people finally decide I’m not worth having around if I can’t keep my mood stable?

It’s been about four weeks of increased symptoms, three bad weeks. Three weeks is a long time to be feeling this awful. And I’m not saying that to get sympathy–not in a selfish way. I’m saying it to try and validate for myself that yes, this has been a long haul. But it’s getting harder and harder to push through. I’m always on the verge of tears. I wake up every morning dreading the day, because what evidence do I have to the contrary that the day will be any better than days have been lately? I’m always tired and I just want to sleep my days away. I can’t face people, responsibilities, chores. I can’t do it. And that makes me feel like a failure.

Fear ( therapist exercise)

What I know:
–It is never the victim’s fault
–There is no hierarchy of sexual assault
–That is, no matter what happened, it matters
–That PTSD almost destroyed me at one point, and that is no longer the case
–In fact, I don’t even have a diagnosis of PTSD anymore

What I fear:
–That it was all my fault
–That I asked for it….all of it
–That I will never trust again
–That nobody will want to get close to me
–That even if I go months, or years, without one, that the body memories will never go away
––That it was all. my. fault

Hate - per therapist

Right now I kind of want to scream at myself. Scream at OCD. I just fucking hate OCD, I hate spinning, I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate all of it. I hate intrusive thoughts, I hate images, I hate fears, I hate spins, I hate worries, I hate this whole damn thing. And somehow, I don’t know how, that ends up translating into therefore I should hate myself for dealing with it. Logical, no, but that happens I guess, sometimes. But it’s like when the compassionate part of me just disappears and instead of feeling compassionate, and all I can feel is anger, hatred. Hate myself for not being able to handle OCD, hate myself for spinning, hate myself for getting stuck, hate myself for not being stronger, hate myself for being too germaphob, hate myself for not saving her, hate myself for it all.

But. I also know that I’m exhausted, that the past 24 hours or so have been incredibly emotional, that I have been crying a lot, and that contributing factors can make OCD worse. And I also know that if I think this could be OCD, it probably is: this hatred is probably based in OCD and not in reality. And so I am hearing a soothing voice in my head, and also remembering to picture a little girl instead of myself. And to try, desperately, to listen to my core. And I can’t quite believe it at the moment, but it would say something like “This is not your fault. You get to not hate yourself. OCD is not your fault. You’re not an awful person. You’re not weak, in fact, you’re very strong. You are doing the best you can. It’s okay to have harder moments. You get to take care of yourself and feel compassion instead of hate.”

So even though I can’t fully believe that right now, if it’s what my core is saying, it’s got to be the inner truth, right? So I’ll run with it. I’m going to put all of this in my little OCD box and know that thinking about everything more tonight is not going to do anything except cause more anxiety and frustration. And I get to go to bed, and not think about this all night, and not dwell, and reevaluate tomorrow morning. And maybe I’m not an awful person. Right? Maybe?

Expecto Patronum!!!!!

I have a new analogy. I thrive on analogies, as they’re the only way I can explain and understand my OCD and anxieties. So, here’s the latest, with a bit of a lighter twist: Harry Potter. (Disclaimer: this will make no sense to you, the reader, if you aren’t a Harry Potter person.)

I’m not a Harry Potter DIE-HARD FAN, but I loved the books, I’ve read them all a bunch of times, though I haven’t seen all the movies. And I was re-reading the 7th one and reading about the dementors and the Patronuses that they all create to get rid of the dementors, and boom, an analogy was formed.

Sometimes, I feel things too strongly. I literally feel the weight of the world: everyone’s sadness, fear, anger, frustration, hopelessness…and I even feel imagined emotions. When I’m home with my dad. I feel his sadness, even if they’re not sad; but I feel the would-be-sadness, if they WERE said (which is hard to explain). All the emotion, imagined or real or my own or the world’s, just crushes me, and I feel it all pressing on me until I feel like I’m going to crumble under it all. Now, isn’t that just what the dementors do? Make Harry and everyone feel so miserable, that they don’t think they can ever be happy again? It’s a little different for me, as it’s not so much of a depression as an emotion-overload, but the principle is the same. So what does Harry do–he sends out a Patronus, by shouting “Expecto Patronum,” which gets rid of the dementors.

Well, I may be a nerd with analogies, but I’m not delusional (though OCD sometimes likes to make me worry that I am!) and I know I can’t do magic…but I have my own tools, and I can use them. So my Patronus is deep breathing. I sit and I channel my yoga breathing, the deep inhalation, and the deep exhalation, that breathes calmness and trust in, and sends the emotions and the spinning out. And through each breath, I feel it start to leave me.

Thank you, J.K. Rowling, for giving me a tool to combat my OCD and anxiety with!

Quotes i came across today

“Trying to pull through the mass of your own emotions is like trying to pull a piece of yarn through a ball that’s all tangled up. It gets stuck, knotted, twisted, frayed, and the harder you pull it the harder the knot sticks.” –Henry’s Sisters, Cathy Lamb

“I had tried to get rid of those breath-sucking memories, pushing them into a mental box and nailing the lid on, but it hadn’t worked, no surprise there. I have learned that sometimes you have to let your breath-sucking memories have their way with you if only so they will go back into your brain caves and you can continue on your merry life.” –Henry’s Sisters, Cathy Lamb

Dont be so hard on yourself

Seriously, what does that mean? I can’t even count the number of times people have said that to me in my life–a few days ago being the most recent time. And I know people say it to be helpful, but it’s SO not helpful. Because all it does is make me more anxious, because it’s one more thing to add to the list of things I can’t perfectly do, or don’t know how to do, and lately I’m not doing so well to having things added to that list. Thanks for telling me what to do, but HOW am I supposed to do that? What does it entail? My entire life people have said this to me, and I still do not know how to go about it.

Get out of your head

Unfortunately, today I had an intense, pretty big OCD freakout.
Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize that it was OCD, which happens when I’m in it.

Fortunately, it happened when I was with the only person in the world who a) understands the exact nature of my OCD, b) could recognize that it was OCD and not my core’s true and pure thoughts and beliefs, c) still had compassion and not hatred for me, despite the nature of the spin.

And for that…well, there are no words to express how thankful I am.

The guilt is still there because I’m an awful friend. I fought off the big tears for hours, until just now when I finally got home and am finally alone, and I am just absolutely sobbing. And while I hate that, I know it’s a release that needed to happen. Release the guilt, release the exhaustion of what happened, release the emotion of the situation, release the fear of what could’ve happened had this person not been who she is.

I’m fighting the urge to write every little detail about what happened, and examine it from all sorts of points of view, because I know, I know, it’s not about the content of the thoughts. But I also know that I have to keep fighting the urge to replay, word-for-word, what happened, what could have happened, etc. etc. I know going down that road is not, and never has been productive–nor useful. But it’s hard.

So instead…I guess that my time is better spent a) letting myself cry it out, but also b) helping myself prepare for the next time this happens–”this” being an OCD explosion. What is so frustrating for me is that when I’m in it, it’s so hard for me to realize that I’m in it, because everything SEEMS real, SEEMS to have a logical explanation, SEEMS to make sense–like, “of course I need to wash my hands again, of course I’m an awful friend for doing/saying x, y, and z.” It’s not until after the fact that it becomes so obvious that it was OCD. I remember for years, in therapy, getting those worksheets and things that were like, “Warning signs that your actions are becoming behaviors” or whatnot–like, “Only eating if you know you’ll be able to workout later.” So….

My Warning Signs that I’m in it:

• Feeling a need to confess every thought and emotion
• Having “should” thoughts (“Should I say what I’m thinking, should I not, what does it say about me if I don’t,” etc.)
• Having trouble leaving my house or going to sleep because I’m checking, whatever the checking may be (it’s not about the content)
• Feeling the need to replay scenarios over and over again in my head–either things that have already happened, or things that could happen
• Worrying about what someone might be thinking about me, after they have given me reassurance once
• Having trouble making minute decisions (like today when I could not decide between coffee or tea and texted a friend to see which I should have…..)
• Not being able to fall asleep at night because of racing thoughts
• Lots of cleaning, handwashing, etc., to the degree of constantly feeling like I have to do it again
• Thoughts that I’m a horrible ____ (friend, student, daughter, etc.)

I still can’t stop crying, and the guilt is huge, and I’m drained and feeling foggy…but if I can hear what a compassionate person would tell me, and I think that would be something like, “You don’t have to beat yourself up, you have OCD, be kind to yourself, and let’s move on.” And I’m not in a place where I can conjure that up myself and believe it, but I’ll try. Even if I don’t deserve it Even if it’s hard right now.

All you need is.....

Man, I’m struggling. I am trying hard (sometimes harder than others, but generally pretty hard) to have down time, to tune in, to do things that I like, to be with people with whom I can talk about things, etc.

But some of the sinking feelings are coming back–some of the nonstop
i’m…..wearingthewrongthingthinkingthewrongthingdoingthewrongthingsayingthewrongthingaskingthewrongthingbloggingthewrongthing that goes over and over again.

I don’t know what that’s happening. I know that sometimes I get random OCD increases, because it goes in waves. So maybe that’s all it is. Maybe it’s because there are some things that I still have yet to talk to anyone about, and I’m pushing them to the back burner. Maybe it’s because while I’m trying to make time to see friends and talk to friends, I haven’t had any talks about the back burner things, it’s all been about classesworkloadpapersschool.

OCD has three different things that can happen: the number of thoughts can increase, the intensity of the thoughts can increase, and the believability of the thoughts can increase. (Maybe more detail on those three things to come in another blog). Right now I haven’t reached the point of the believability increasing; and I’m not getting the bad thoughts. It’s more a general feeling of dread and anxiety and sadness and loneliness. But it’s not constant, and it’s not totally debilitating. It’s just there, and it lends way into “But what if it gets worse, what if it increases, what if this turns into a really bad, hard time, what if what if what if what if….”

And sometimes I think all I need is a hug, a cup of tea or coffee, and a listening ear. But sometimes it’s just hard to ask for that.

Wisdom from a friend

I woke up this morning still feeling not-quite-right and spent some time worrying about that but as my anxiety continued to mount, and as I began to feel the memories take hold not just in my mind but in my body, I decided to be proactive. After all, “You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” ~Ayn Rand. What that means to me in this case, is that at least historically speaking, running from my feelings and thoughts and memories surrounding past events seems like a really appealing idea. Except, all that really does is keep it building up until it gets so bad that I am prescribed incredibly large, scary dosages of klonopin to take twice a day.

Avoidance doesn’t work for this. I’m wiser now. I know it. So, I took a deep breath and texted a friend–one of those rare gems, someone who “gets it” and who has seen me at my absolute worst, who has seen me through this entire process. I told her about my fears, I told her what happened last night, I told her what I’m worried about. Here is what she said:

“It’s normal to have those triggers – it’s just not sitting right with you because it hasn’t happened in a really long time. It used to be your whole life and now it’s still a tiny piece of it, but way more manageable than before. You’ve overcome it. But it was your world before, so it is inevitable that things will trigger memories and feelings.”

I couldn’t ask to hear anything more comforting. I have overcome it. It’s not my whole life anymore. This is normal. I don’t have to panic.

I found this is Moms drawer... i wrote it when i was in 9th grade

Thirteen

At thirteen I lived for my friends
Dawson’s Creek
and playing “The Sims”
on the computer
Those were my life
simply all I knew

I lived for the Spice Girls
and learned the words to all of their songs
and I felt like a true teenager

I lived for my best friends
at school
and staying up until 1:00AM during sleepovers
which was so late
I lived for a year when
I didn’t know stress
school was fun, and
I lived for life

I lived for popcorn at the movies

I lived to be in eighth grade
and all too soon, ninth

I lived for a sense of safety and comfort
that before I knew it, was gone

New Year resolution

OCD gets going wildly at the whole 2012 thing, the Mayans thing, the world-is-ending thing. So, I don’t think about it. Except last night, someone brought it up–in a very harmless context, but that got the wheels turning in the back of my brain. And tonight, my dad turned on 2012, the movie, and OCD lit up like a fire. That frustrates me to no end–how sometimes things aren’t even remotely anxiety-provoking, and others times I’m set off immediately. So tonight–I explained that I would get totally worked up over it and I hate the concept and my dad started to explain to me why the end of the earth isn’t going to happen and why it’s not true. And he meant well, he always means so well. Usually it would help. But tonight it just didn’t work and OCD was speeding miles ahead: Can you PROVE that it’s not true? What if the world DOES end? What exists if there’s nothing? When does the universe end? What will happen if there’s no earth? There will just be….nothing. No space and no time. What does that even MEAN? And I couldn’t slow it down so I got up and went into the other room, because my therapist always told me that walking away from an OCD-inducing situation, book, movie, etc., is not avoidance in a negative way, it’s self-care.

But now I’m just mad, and I shouldn’t be (and I shouldn’t be using SHOULD commands) and it’s that whole damn double barometer issue–where you’re at a certain level of an emotion on one barometer. But then you judge yourself for feeling that way, so then you have a second barometer that’s even higher. Except in my case I end up with a lot of barometers, which essentially ends up with me feeling miserable.

I think part of me is feeling shame, that I’m not “over” these anxieties yet. Which I do recognize is a red flag–because it’s not compassionate, because I know I’ve come a long way–light years, in fact, because OCD can be managed but not eliminated, because I’m human and allowed to struggle. But….the shame and embarrassment is there. 

And I am so afraid of being forgotten, being left behind, being replaced. Which isn’t related to anything I just wrote but it’s there.

And then, the fear that has been nagging at me for days, and I know exactly why, and what it stems from, but that doesn’t change the fact that it won’t leave me alone….

How will ANYONE ever fall in love with me, and stay in love with me, and want to be with me, once they realize how much baggage I come with?