Man, I’m struggling. I am trying hard (sometimes harder than others, but generally pretty hard) to have down time, to tune in, to do things that I like, to be with people with whom I can talk about things, etc.
But some of the sinking feelings are coming back–some of the nonstop
i’m…..wearingthewrongthingthinkingthewrongthingdoingthewrongthingsayingthewrongthingaskingthewrongthingbloggingthewrongthing that goes over and over again.
i’m…..wearingthewrongthingthinkingthewrongthingdoingthewrongthingsayingthewrongthingaskingthewrongthingbloggingthewrongthing that goes over and over again.
I don’t know what that’s happening. I know that sometimes I get random OCD increases, because it goes in waves. So maybe that’s all it is. Maybe it’s because there are some things that I still have yet to talk to anyone about, and I’m pushing them to the back burner. Maybe it’s because while I’m trying to make time to see friends and talk to friends, I haven’t had any talks about the back burner things, it’s all been about classesworkloadpapersschool.
OCD has three different things that can happen: the number of thoughts can increase, the intensity of the thoughts can increase, and the believability of the thoughts can increase. (Maybe more detail on those three things to come in another blog). Right now I haven’t reached the point of the believability increasing; and I’m not getting the bad thoughts. It’s more a general feeling of dread and anxiety and sadness and loneliness. But it’s not constant, and it’s not totally debilitating. It’s just there, and it lends way into “But what if it gets worse, what if it increases, what if this turns into a really bad, hard time, what if what if what if what if….”
And sometimes I think all I need is a hug, a cup of tea or coffee, and a listening ear. But sometimes it’s just hard to ask for that.