unsafe

The world does not feel safe. , some things aren’t where they are supposed to be, and this is Not Okay. I have a low threshold for dealing with change as it is, but right now, this is really getting to me. Which makes me even more of a nutjob than I already am.

Things feel unsafe. I don’t trust the world. I’m constantly worrying that the man walking by me on the street is going to pull out a gun. Wincing as a car drives me, convinced that someone is going to try to abduct me. I’m terrified of the world ending. The weather has felt not just gloomy, but dangerous. My brain is making me think about scary things, some that are real and some that are not. There’s so much bad in the world and it’s consuming me right now.

I’m a bad role model.  A bad friend. A bad daughter.

Starting to spin, starting to freeze. I can feel my brain locking up.

Things are hard.....

I’m struggling. I don’t want to admit that to myself, let alone to anyone else. But I don’t think I can keep hiding from it.

Signs and symptoms have been there for a little while but I’ve been avoiding them, hoping they’d pass and go away, like they sometimes do. But I can’t do that anymore.

Yesterday I was half an hour late to work, partly because I overslept a little, but partly because I was totally frozen getting dressed. This has been happening a lot lately but I can generally snap myself out of it. Not yesterday. What happens is, I stand in front of my closet and literally can’t move. I cannot make a decision about what to wear. I have no idea what’s right, what’s wrong, what I’ll be too hot in, too cold in, what will make me look pretty, what will be ugly, what makes me look fat and what’s flattering. I finally try on shirt after shirt, outfit after outfit, unable to make a decision. It’s  about OCD thoughts, needing it to be the PERFECT outfit for a variety of senseless criteria.

I’m ashamed of the other thoughts I’ve been having. I won’t share them.

I was on the verge of tears all day yesterday; my heart and soul were so heavy that I thought I was just going to fall to the ground.

During class in the evening, I was nowhere near paying attention, I was stuck in my head in medically-induced spins. Called my dad in the middle of class, totally hyperventilating because I was convinced various medical things were wrong with me.

While I was on the phone I had to quickly move down the hallway because I was afraid that I’d pull the fire alarm.

I’m afraid I love people more than they love me. I’m afraid I’m hurting those I love.

I’m so afraid.

So many little things here and there somehow, very suddenly, added together, and now here I am, sitting here with a pit in my stomach, churning anxiety within.

I guess this means I have to keep my psychiatrist appointment next week. I guess it means that the increase in meds wasn’t enough. I guess it means that despite my fears, it’s time to listen to her and taper off this med and enter back into the cycle of finding The Right Medicine Plus The Right Dosage.

its the OCD talking.....

“You said the wrong thing. You always say the wrong thing. You were rude/mean/inconsiderate. You said the wrong thing and now people are upset with you. Or maybe they’re just upset. But that’s worse. YOU are the cause of their suffering. YOU are the reason their good day turned into a bad day. It’s your fault. YOUR. FAULT. People thought talking to you would make their day better. You made it worse. You always say the wrong thing. ALWAYS.

You just shouldn’t bother talking to people. Don’t try to help, don’t try to converse, don’t try. You. ruin. everything. You bring more stress to people’s lives than joy. People are going to start avoiding you because you are too stressful for them. They won’t want to talk to you. You ask too much/pry too much/share too much. You also aren’t friendly enough/sweet enough/open enough. You are a disappointment. A failure. How dare you.

i have become so numb

I really do feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Who knows.

There’s so much bad inside of me, it feels like. I feel like nobody knows the true me. What if I’m a sociopath? What if I’m schizohrenic? What if this isn’t OCD but it’s a personality disorder? What if I’m really this awful person? What if the thoughts, the fears, what if they’re all real? What if I am all of the horrible things I fear I am?

I don’t deserve friends, I don’t deserve to be cared about, I don’t deserve love. Not if I’m that awful person.

I’m hurting so so bad. Maybe I deserve it. My brain is so fucked up and I don’t know what to believe anymore.