if i dont write this, there is a chance of imploding...

I have been avoiding things lately, not tuning in. I am very aware of this. I need to talk, I need to write. But I don’t want to. I want to continue avoiding. So, a compromise…not writing, but, a list.

I am avoiding…..
–Allowing myself to grieve for my brother
–The anticipation of returning to college after summer
–Thinking about the dreams I’ve been having lately, that have a lot to do with various traumatic situations
–Acknowledging that I am in a place where I need, and want, to talk about past traumatic experiences…because who would I talk to about them, and what would I say
–The increase in OCD thoughts and fears
–The reasons why I spent all of yesterday in an intense depersonalization fog.
–The fact that at the moment the anxiety has mounted so much that it’s hard to breathe.

How the heck do I even begin tackling this list?

Biggest fear come true

Pretty sure that at the core of it all, I am truly just a horrible person.

Noticing

My fear that something bad is going to happen to my loved ones is creeping back up, slowly but surely. It’s not debilitating, yet. But something to keep an eye on. When one of those individuals doesn’t answer a phone call, doesn’t call right away to say that they’ve gotten home safely, is out without me, is driving or flying or even walking, I’m worrying again. I’m feeling helpless again that there is so much that could happen in all of those situations that I can’t control, and I know nothing I can do can control it. I feel certain that if something were to happen to one of them (and even saying that, thinking it — I worry that I just caused something to happen. Magical thinking at its finest.) I wouldn’t survive it. I just wouldn’t. But I don’t want to think about it, because what if by thinking it it happens? Which I know can’t happen, but what if it can?

And I am feeling everyone’s emotions again. No, not even feeling their emotions. Feeling their imagined emotions. What if my granny is feeling lonely? What if my dad is stressed? What if my best friend is exhausted? What if my brother is scared? I feel it all, even when they tell me that they are okay. I still feel it. Until I become so inundated with every emotion under the sun, on behalf of every person I know, that I can’t breathe. And yet, I can’t let go of it. What if by not paying attention to a potential emotion, I’m being selfish? What if they really need me to acknowledge it and realize it and it’s a test? What if I could be doing something to help and instead I don’t? What if they don’t tell me how they feel because they want to protect me? Are they right in doing that in the first place?

It’s not debilitating. Yet.

These are my Confessions... part 1

My OCD started up in the summer of 1998,   a lot of people have symptoms of OCD as children. For me, it seems to have been related to a traumatic childhood experience,  I was now exposed to another person's germs, and couldn't feel clean enough. fast forward to current day its more of a coping tool.

While many people's OCD takes extremely different forms over time, mine has been very very consistent. My OCD takes the form of a mild version of "checking," mostly doors and the stove before I leave the house or go to bed at night.


 my main OCD has always been "contamination" OCD. I hate being touched, hate being around sick people, have trouble with public bathrooms. I always want to inspect things before I touch them or sit on them, and (have the urge to) wash my hands about 50 times a day. OCD's quirky, though, because while the sterotype of OCD is the person who takes a 2 hour showers, my showers are about 15 minutes long... honestly, Just a simple hand wash is all it takes to make me feel better. It's just that sometimes those simple handwashes have to happen every 10 minutes. Suddenly it's not so simple.

But I don't stop there. I often try to make other people I'm around wash their hand more than they'd like, too. For some reason, people don't like that. Go figure.

And, add to that what I call the "OCD Cascade." It goes something like this:
-I didn't wash my hands after riding the bus
-I'm sure to get a cold, or a stomach flu, or disease x from all the germs I touched on the bus
-I will give it to my family
-they will be sick  and will attribute it to me
-they will hate me


WOW!! My rational brain can see it's silly, but there's a part of me that really believes that not only is it possible, but that it's LIKELY.

falling and failing

I just feel like such a failure. At being a person. A daughter, friend, student. I hate that every day when people check in with me, the answer is “I still feel the same.” That makes me feel like a failure. Even if it’s not my fault that the meds aren’t working, or that other meds are causing these symptoms. Even if I’m doing nothing wrong, it feels like I’m doing nothing right. I can’t  give them the answer they want. How long until they get sick of it and just walk away? How long until people finally decide I’m not worth having around if I can’t keep my mood stable?

It’s been about four weeks of increased symptoms, three bad weeks. Three weeks is a long time to be feeling this awful. And I’m not saying that to get sympathy–not in a selfish way. I’m saying it to try and validate for myself that yes, this has been a long haul. But it’s getting harder and harder to push through. I’m always on the verge of tears. I wake up every morning dreading the day, because what evidence do I have to the contrary that the day will be any better than days have been lately? I’m always tired and I just want to sleep my days away. I can’t face people, responsibilities, chores. I can’t do it. And that makes me feel like a failure.