I just feel like such a failure. At being a person. A daughter, friend, student. I hate that every day when people check in with me, the answer is “I still feel the same.” That makes me feel like a failure. Even if it’s not my fault that the meds aren’t working, or that other meds are causing these symptoms. Even if I’m doing nothing wrong, it feels like I’m doing nothing right. I can’t give them the answer they want. How long until they get sick of it and just walk away? How long until people finally decide I’m not worth having around if I can’t keep my mood stable?
It’s been about four weeks of increased symptoms, three bad weeks. Three weeks is a long time to be feeling this awful. And I’m not saying that to get sympathy–not in a selfish way. I’m saying it to try and validate for myself that yes, this has been a long haul. But it’s getting harder and harder to push through. I’m always on the verge of tears. I wake up every morning dreading the day, because what evidence do I have to the contrary that the day will be any better than days have been lately? I’m always tired and I just want to sleep my days away. I can’t face people, responsibilities, chores. I can’t do it. And that makes me feel like a failure.