Wednesday, November 30, 2011

its the OCD talking.....


“You said the wrong thing. You always say the wrong thing. You were rude/mean/inconsiderate. You said the wrong thing and now people are upset with you. Or maybe they’re just upset. But that’s worse. YOU are the cause of their suffering. YOU are the reason their good day turned into a bad day. It’s your fault. YOUR. FAULT. People thought talking to you would make their day better. You made it worse. You always say the wrong thing. ALWAYS.
You just shouldn’t bother talking to people. Don’t try to help, don’t try to converse, don’t try. You. ruin. everything. You bring more stress to people’s lives than joy. People are going to start avoiding you because you are too stressful for them. They won’t want to talk to you. You ask too much/pry too much/share too much. You also aren’t friendly enough/sweet enough/open enough. You are a disappointment. A failure. How dare you.

Monday, November 28, 2011

i have become so numb


I really do feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Who knows.
There’s so much bad inside of me, it feels like. I feel like nobody knows the true me. What if I’m a sociopath? What if I’m schizohrenic? What if this isn’t OCD but it’s a personality disorder? What if I’m really this awful person? What if the thoughts, the fears, what if they’re all real? What if I am all of the horrible things I fear I am?
I don’t deserve friends, I don’t deserve to be cared about, I don’t deserve love. Not if I’m that awful person.
I’m hurting so so bad. Maybe I deserve it. My brain is so fucked up and I don’t know what to believe anymore.