Warning signs ....

….that I might be on the verge of a rough OCD patch (or already in one?):

1. I am getting visions of death again, which are one of the most debilitating for me. I don’t want my family going anywhere without me, in case there’s an accident and they die and I’m not with them. My dad is taking a trip this summer and flying..alone, for the first time ever. I’m already panicking about it, and getting images of the plane crashing and me being without him. That brief image/thought alone makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, or cry, and beg him to not go.

2. I went to the beach today and got burned, which rarely happens because I’m anal about sunscreen. Since getting home, I have asked my dad at least three times if he thinks I could get skin cancer, and have checked the skin cancer signs online, “just to be sure”.

Yeah. Not so good.

Socially Awkward??

Though I probably don't have enough of it to warrant a label, I think I do have some social anxiety.  It's gotten a lot better over the years - when I was a kid it was really so much worse.  Back then, I was often labeled "shy" or "quiet" and hated it because every time someone used one of those adjectives to describe me, it just seemed that much harder to overcome my difficulty of speaking up.  Those jolts of anxiety I got from voicing my opinion were intensified when I discovered that, despite my desire to be talkative and efforts to be outgoing, I was still perceived as being "quiet."   I had a hard time as it was being more vocal when not at ease, but when someone commented on how I was "shy," the self-consciousness would flare up even more, creating an even bigger hurdle to overcome when I wanted to express myself.

Like I said, it's a lot better now.  I think through accidental exposure and repeated confrontation of social situations, I have adjusted.  Just as I have begun to habituate to the fear of "feeling dirty" and other contamination-related concerns, I likewise have habituated to the fear of vocalizing my thoughts (and being evaluated negatively if do) by repeatedly putting myself or by being put in social situations that evoke anxiety.  The thoughts that maybe I'm really obviously "weird" or "different" or "awkward" (or that my comments are somehow "dumber" than those of other people) still linger, but they are less intense and they don't hold as much influence over my choices as they used to.  When I was a kid, I really grappled with insecurity and lack of self-confidence, and I still often do, but these days I am more often able to overcome that fear in order to make the decisions that I want to make and act how I want to act.  In fact, I really like to talk.  I did when I was a kid, too, but back then the fear of being judged and feeling embarrassment just seemed to overpower my eagerness to express myself.